I Can Barely Breathe When You Look At Me

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[02 Mar 2009|01:12pm]
[ mood | hmm ]

i feel...

homesick for the first time in a long time
like i need to tell someone about these heavy feelings
tired of saying the same things whenever i talk about "heavy feelings"
like there needs to be something new...? (new music, new art, new hobbies, physical activities?)

when im home, im going to go skateboarding with my brother everyday. i want to play tennis with my dad. im a little bummed im not on the team here at school because i really miss playing a lot. i cant wait for new Weatherbox, Snuffaluffagus, and BoomSnake records to come out this spring. and especially for Japandi this summer, jesus fuck. its going to be my birthday over springbreak and I'm happy i'll be in San Diego. I just want some delicious eats and to spend some time with my friends. Im hoping to be by the beach as much as possible. im turning 20 and its crazy -- im hoping i can rid myself of this shitty fucking emotional baggage i've been holding on to. time to move the fuck on (please?)

i have no idea what the fuck i am going to do this summer and that's starting to eat at me. its going to catch up to me way faster than i will be able to comprehend. im pretty sure of that

but other than that things really aren't so bad. it always seems more dramatic than it really is or should be.


Something I found. [21 Dec 2008|11:59pm]
[ mood | Home? ]

"Don't say a fucking thing ... A breath on the back of your neck. Don't say a fucking thing.

Everything happens for a reason. Do you ever wonder what that reason is? This song is about life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness. Ride and crash. Riding a wave, slowly swelling. Explosions of white, blinding white light. Volume swell. Reverberation. Delay. ay. ay. y. My grandfather died. He told us he wouldn't be here this time, this year. He was right.

Unhinged. Uninhibited. Following footsteps? Making my own. A year of dramatic first steps towards some end. Life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. Four corners. Attack! I will remember this as the night I drove, and you never left my thoughts. I have a lot to show you, I just hope I'll be able to show you everything in time.


something i found in a drawer from late 2006.

[06 Nov 2008|09:01pm]
[ mood | NO ]

"you know what,


is what i would say.

[03 Oct 2008|06:54pm]
Kill The Switch

Mouth the words to deny, deny the symptoms, as 'oh yeah I'm doing fine', as I've found a most endearing psychosis.Somewhere out there there's a thrill I swear. Desperate as I am I just can't strip bare and bleed the only purity I've known.But I lay with reason. Found logic concieved in a walk with skin. I lay with reason producing these monsters. Under painted catcalls as in temptation. yeah there's a key to be in, but there's no shade, no shade to blame. Waterfalls in a cool grey, and the struggle is colored grey this day. The caw of crows fills up the picture plane. Our picture plane is veiled in central neutral grey. Absinthe to slight the pain. This world's this worst case color scheme. Streaks of oil stain, stained the road he crawled on homeward. Oh yeah, oh yeah he killed the switch with some unwieldy gauge, absence and light remain. I lay with reason found logic and reap in a walk with sin. El sueno razon produce monsinios. When does this dream end? Now I've missed another whole season,
I've missed the fall, clearly its fallen on this land as fields once green are ochre now. This is no dream. Trees have turned to skeleton, roots teased and knotted just below the surface skin of ground. Stitched between the earth and the sky struggling to hold it down. Sometimes to realize you have to lose track of sight blurring my vision makes it clear the tiny moving parts make up the whole. The image is clear, a tower is built of my own pride, I cry in the shade that if offers, the only shelter I've known.
When does this dream end? This is no dream. This is the walking living breathing caricature of a memory. Shamelessly I cave in to temptation of creation. But still my only thrill is empty sidewalks, silent streets.
The caw of crows fills up the picture plane. This is your picture plain in central neutral grey. This world's this worst case color scheme. Streaks of oil stain, stained the road he crawled on homeward. Oh yeah, oh yeah he killed the switch with some unwieldy gauge, absence and light remain.
Life is lowly anonymity, in death a noble pose, a Marat David. Tell me who wouldn't give their lives for such a soap box to die behind. Life is lowly, lowly anonymity. In the space of a smile I found sleep. As in sorrow, so shall ye reap, as in reason so shall ye sleep. Reap the promised end to the struggle. Reap every point on our linear path.
Reap the smiles in time we borrow, every harvest relies on the last.
Reap the promising song of the sparrow, that they learned from the birth of sea. Silenced by the threnody of the crows. Reap the fallen fruit of the dogwood tree. But I witnessed in all this silence one souls definition of beauty. a backlit smile so temporary. A facade so rich with evil history. Cast in direct opposition set to overwhelm his moment to shine and sleep- came out on top of what was borrowed, and found all that beauty to be still. Every breath as in sorrow, reap the promised end to this path, by every image that we borrow, every harvest depends on the past.
Subdivide in factions our linear forever, we subdivide our waking hours to sleep. While guilty eyes turn toward a porchlight, enlightenment is losing sight. Somewhere out there there's a thrill I swear. In this low light town when my shift begins the streets reflecting yellow, yellow, yellow in the vacancy that overwhelms the red, red, red, your vehicle the color of expansion. "Open up." the latter just a thought to thrill me "knock knock knock" the latter just a thought to thrill me. "Red" is a four letter word. Four letter invitation. Now my head is locked in the direction of the sun... Life is lowly anonymity, in death a noble prose, a Marat David.
Tell me who wouldn't give their lives for such a soap box to leave behind.
Life is lowly, lowly anonymity. I know its all been done before, I want to do it again. I want do it again.

Kill the switch.
This night our journey's through the dark. Kill the switch, a welcome comatose, tonight we journey through the darkness. As in sorrow, so shall ye weep, as in reason, so shall ye sleep.

[28 Sep 2008|05:43am]
i am having an absurd amount of anxiety right now. its one of those nights. so i resort to the good ol' el jay. its 543 in the morning. how about that?

what the fuck is wrong? i really dont know. i just feel fucked up. when i feel like this i just start to wonder what the fuck i want or what i expect out of myself. out of being here. what do i expect out of anything right now? im not really sure.

not being sure is taking its toll right now. even though being here this year is a complete 180 degree change from last year, the amount of open-endedness of everything is freaking me out maybe. just being able to truly do whatever the fuck i want makes me feel kind of lost i suppose.

ive been going back and forth about what i might want to do. i want to go abroad, but dont know where yet. but abroad is necessary. on one hand i want to do it by myself and have some sort of enlightning experience, which would be fucking rad or possibly the most lonely terrible shit ever. on the other hand i want to go somewhere with a good friend of mine. its clear that none of my good friends here would consider going to the same places i would want to go, but who knows in the end. id like to go with luc the most out of my slc friends. hes actually probably the only person id ask to try to go with. truth--id like to go with stephen or andrey, but i dont think dre plans on going anywhere either. Feel like some sort of companion would be necessary in the situation. it would be magical.

see its weird this time around because i dont have a girlfriend. home life is not (necessarily) in shambles like it was. brother isnt going in for emergency surgery at least. its the combination of already knowing what to expect, plus going through everything that i did last year that has made me completely jaded about most things. though sometimes jaded isnt the right way to put it.

other times i just feel confused. starting over new feels great, but its also left me with so many things unresolved. and so many ghosts that seem to creep up on my shit just when it seems like i might feel comfortable with my outlook and energy.

obviously its fucked that its keeping me from sleep. when this stress becomes physically debilitating it makes me worried. i would just like for someone to pick their goddamn phone at this hour.

theres soooo much to look forward to this year, its unreal. but right now i am freaking out and i really hate it. THERE IS NO REASON FOR IT. eventually things work themselves out. they have to. but that seems so far off and impossible from where i am in my headspace at the moment. most times my own mind is my prison.

most things still remind me of gabi and its fucked. days like today when i would just like to be her friend again and know how shes doing just throw my shit soooo incredibly off balance. i feel incredibly drained.

fuckkkkk. seems im left with scars that will never heal properly. ever. itll almost be a year, but nothing seems resolved. and i havent even spoken to her since june. and before that February of last year.

time will fix most things. yes. yes. but fuck relativity. time seems to creep along during these moments. painfully slow.

need to meet more people. need to do more things. just need to start living again. but this place, i am still very much convinced, is incredibly "anti-life".

but i will continue to make do.

SUNN O))) in october. fuck yes.

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